I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
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His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
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I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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