Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
