Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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