im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I AM VODKA MAN
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Randomize
