Quick, to the slutcave!
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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