I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
