I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
