im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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