put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I cockslap morals
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
