Old men and throwing up are my life now.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
