listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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