Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
