Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
