I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
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I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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