I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
