I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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