We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
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Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
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Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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