Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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