You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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