you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
