do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
