when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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