The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
