Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My ATM looks so different sober.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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