I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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