To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
