Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
