We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I have tasted many bathrooms
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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