Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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