Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize
