Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
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then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
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My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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