At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
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