We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
