Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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