tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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