it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
