He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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