You made me cry and you don't even care
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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