someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
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Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
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You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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