You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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