Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
