You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
