Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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