"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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