Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
