dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Randomize
