Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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