I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
