I heard we made out
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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