I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
