Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
