I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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