so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
