so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
