I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
