marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
