Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize