i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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