Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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