also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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