Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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