Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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