Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
