Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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